The ‘Paragraph’ at the End of the Week

I’ve tried to write this about ten times this week. Every time, the purpose and the structure shifted. Every time, I had to stop — either my brain wasn’t there, or I had to remember I have other priorities. Like my kids. Or my full-time paid job.

Okay. Attempt eleven (ish).

With a brain and body like mine — and get ready for the big sentence — neurodiverse, early forties, probably perimenopausal, still recovering from a very recent partial hysterectomy, off the back of decades of chronic illness and pain. Every day looks different and feels different. How I apply myself, my moods, my parenting — no two days are the same. Sometimes not even the hours.

Attempt twelve (still the same day).

This week I’ve felt completely flat and somehow wired at the same time, and for some reason my self-esteem took a step back. I got reflective as my beautiful, magnificent daughter turned one. I have so much to be happy about, but the chemistry that isn’t in my control made the week harder than usual.

The weekend before, I caught up with my mum friends, and for the first time in a while I felt insecure. I know I couldn’t shut up — I was hyper, and I dominated the conversation. Usually I forgive myself; I’ve become accustomed to accepting myself for who I am. But this time I went away and spiralled. It’s mostly okay now, but it’s still fresh.

I’ve often told people how proud I am of what I live with, and how I try to use it for good. We do what we can to survive the day. This week, I couldn’t get there. Even now — when I know that writing, even just for myself, usually makes me feel better — I’ve had this huge block.

As you know, I’m trying to build a business to help mums like me. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I’ve felt this week — on the outer, going alone through the challenges of kids and career, or any struggle with their general wellbeing. You can’t avoid it completely. But if you’ve got support, or outlets, it’s easier. That’s what I’ve found on this journey: connection, at the very least, keeps me going.

Okay — last attempt.

I know I’m going to have to clean this up. It’s messy, and it’s definitely showing some instability. But it’s also honest, and raw, and this is how a lot of us feel — and it shouldn’t be hidden. The thing that helps is knowing I’ve already put things in place to get me back. Gym tomorrow. Pain specialist. Plenty to do at work that I’m genuinely excited about.

So — back to my point. What is my point? Here it is again: the block, the lack of confidence, the wind taken out of me

And yet. Despite feeling the way I do, a lot of good happened this week.

I had a really good week at work. I travelled interstate and didn’t feel the awful mum guilt. I got 10 hours sleep the night I was away, and that hasn’t happened since pre kids.

I built new relationships through my job and had some small wins come from them. My husband absolutely nailed looking after the kids, which takes away huge anxiety — for both of us. I came home to a happy house, a clean house, and dinner cooked. I’m so lucky. I had the best performance review of my professional life. And all of this in the season of my life where I’ve embraced my differences and learned how to function in a way that lets me succeed — without working seven days and all hours, because with kids and my health, I just can’t.

I’m okay with the fact that I decided not to do any work on togetHER this week. Not because I don’t care, or because I don’t want it to work, but because I knew I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. And that’s okay.

So hopefully this gives you a bit of insight into who I am, and the why. The very important why. There’s so much more I could tell you, but this is as good as it gets right now.

If anything I’ve described today sounds like you — I’m sorry. It’s shit. But I hope you can find a ‘paragraph’ at the end of your week with some positives in it too. Remind yourself of them. Take a breath. Things always change eventually, or ease off, and get better.

Im very much back on ‘togetHER’ I had a burst of the right chemistry at 6.30 this morning to give it some love, and I’m happy with where it’s going.

If you need to talk, or you just want to share — I’m here.

Love Katie X

togetHER

https://www.instagram.com/together_village_/

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Originally published on Substack.